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By House MD.

There are 147 quotes by House MD in our database:


House: See that, they all assume I'm a patient because of the cane.
Wilson: Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
House: I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.
(Pilot).

House: Your wife is having an affair.
Patient: What?
House: You're ORANGE, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention.
(House diagnoses a patient; Pilot).

Cuddy: You don't prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don't since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
House: You're comparing me to a Nazi? (Admiringly). Nice...
(Pilot).

Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Cameron: What's up?
Foreman: When you break into someone's house, it's always better to have a white chick with you.
(Pilot).

Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.
(Pilot).

There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly-- always! We can live with dignity-- we can't die with it.
(House, when a patient asks to be left to die with dignity; Pilot).

House: Yes, you were a very good applicant.
Cameron: But not the best?
House: Would that upset you, really? To think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty, not some genetic gift of intelligence?
(Cameron questions House's reasons for hiring her; Pilot).

People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's the law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn't, you worked your stunning little ass off.
(House, when Cameron questions his reasons for hiring her; Pilot).

See that "G," see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn't even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What's the differential diagnosis for writing 'G's' like a junior high school girl?
(House, when he sees that Cameron forged his signature on a letter to a prospective patient; Paternity).

Cameron: What about sex?
House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
House: Heh, nice cover. (Winks).
(Paternity).

House: Who thinks there's a third option?
(Chase raises his hand).
House: Very good. What's the third choice?
Chase: No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.
(Chase tries to add to the differential diagnosis; Paternity).

Cameron: Men should grow up.
House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking their workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles. It's not going to happen.
(Cameron complains about Chase liking her, right when House walks into the room; Occam's Razor).

What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.
(House justifies his behavior toward patients; Occam's Razor).

Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. (Pause to breathe deep and stare at each other). Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour-long orgasm?
(Cameron explains the mechanics of sex to Chase, who's enthralled by the tale; Occam's Razor).

House: Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?
Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
House: I think your tie is ugly.
(House explains Occam's Principle; Occam's Razor).

No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate.
(House; Occam's Razor).

House: (Writing symptoms on the white board).It's too high for viral. Parasites or fungus is possible.
Janitor: Or maybe lupus. (House looks at him oddly). My grandma has lupus.
House: Okay, autoimmune...
(Alone).

Wilson: What does the diary say?
House: It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances.
Wilson: If it was you'd be quoting. That's summarizing.
(House & Wilson break into the patient's house to find a bit about her background; Alone).

House: Number 10, you're fired.
No. 10: (About Cuddy).She told you?
House: Well, it had to be someone who went to her home. Number 26 is half-asleep, missed his afternoon nap-- obviously he doesn't feel guilt. Number 2 is here on a visa, she can't jeopardize...
No. 10: You can't know...
House: And... that chick (points at Cutthroat Bitch) has been pointing at you since I walked in.
(The Right Stuff).

House: I fired you!
Kutner: No, you didn't.
Cutthroat Bitch: He fired you. You're number 6.
Kutner: No, I'm not. I'm number 9.
House: I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.
(Kutner gets fired... AGAIN; The Right Stuff).

House: Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritating recently.
Cameron: And?
House: I didn't know it was possible for a woman to be unusually irritable.
Cameron: Nice try, but you're a misanthrope, not a misogynist.
(Fidelity).

It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?
(Cuddy finds out that House called Wilson for a 'consult' regarding a patient with implants; Fidelity).

Foreman: Why are you riding me?
House: It's what I do... has it gotten worse lately?
Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
House: Really. Well, that rules out the race thing. 'Cause you were just as black last week.
(Fidelity).

House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!
(Fidelity).

It's a very sad thing, an un-calibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.
(House, after Cameron claims she's not crying, just calibrating some instruments; Fidelity).

House: You can't be that good a person and well adjusted.
Cameron: Why?
House: Because you wind up crying over centrifuges.
Cameron: Or hating people?
(Fidelity).

Foreman: (About to House) He's really talking to a patient.
Chase: I don't know who I am any more.
(The Socratic Method).

Chase: (About House). He likes crazy people. He likes the way they think.
Foreman: They think... badly. That's the definition of... crazy.
Chase: They're not boring. He likes that.
(The Socratic Method).

Normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the Sun one more time; I really didn't think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn't the little planet that could all over again.
(House, about his birthday; The Socratic Method).

Georgia: So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time.
House: Aha.
Georgia: You remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.
House: People are always mixing us up.
(Poison).

House: I assume 'minimal at best' is your stiff upper lip British way of saying 'no chance in hell.'
Chase: I'm Australian.
House: You put the Queen on your money; you're British.
(Poison).

House: If you're gonna try to take yourself out, why use electricity? You could eat a bullet, or jump off a building...
Wilson: I love the team thing, by the way.
House: ...or bury yourself alive in Cuddy's cleavage.
Wilson: Teamwork, collaboration, all for the greater good.
House: It would've been a suicidal gesture, as opposed to an actual attempt.
Wilson: Interestingly, the 'rain in Spain' doesn't actually fall in the plain all that much.
(House & Wilson don't seem to be speaking the same language at all; 97 Seconds).

Kutner: Wait, how do you want us to split up?
House: Good question, (pause) ...overly-excited former foster kid. There's ten of you, I was thinking six against six. No, wait...
(97 Seconds).

House: If your sex organs dangle-- you're the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing-- you're the yanks.
Amber: Dr. House, I'd like to be on the men's team.
House: Do your sex organs dangle, Cutthroat Bitch?
Amber: Not yet.
(The institution of the ultimate nickname; 97 Seconds).

Chase: Why are you yelling at me?
House: Because, performing tests for someone who is not a doctor in this hospital--
Chase: You're frustrated. You want help, I'm here. If you just need to vent... leave a message. (He leaves).
Cameron: I like him better like this. You?
(97 Seconds).

House: HEY WILSON! I'M GOING TO CUT A CRIPPLE'S EYE OUT! WANNA WATCH?!
(Wilson opens his door and looks at Cuddy and House).
Wilson: Good Times.
(97 Seconds).

Like I always say, there's no 'I' in 'team.' There is a 'me,' though, if you jumble it up.
(House to Cuddy; DNR).

Foreman: You assaulted that man.
House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Foreman: Yes, you will.
House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.
(House & Foreman; DNR).

You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex - they need to save the world? You've got the 'Rubik's' complex; you need to solve the puzzle.
(Wilson explains House's way of thinking; DNR).

Cuddy: You need a lawyer?
House: You don't have a problem with what I did?
Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done…. Trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane, so when I hired you I also set aside $50,000 a year for legal expenses. So far you've come in under budget.
(DNR).

Chase: I'm insulted. You conned Cameron by appealing to her humanity.
Cutthroat Bitch: I told her what she wanted to hear.
Chase: And you told me what you thought I wanted to hear.
Cutthroat Bitch: If it's any consolation, I think your motives are more interesting.
Chase: (Pause). I cannot believe he fired you.
(Chase sees Amber's like a female version of House; 97 Seconds).

Cutthroat Bitch: Dr. Cuddy? I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr. House's new fellows...
Cuddy: Sexual harassment claims go through HR, stress-related leaves through workers' comp, and any accusations of criminal activity go directly to the Princeton-Plainsboro Police Department.
(Cuddy knows what she's dealing with; Guardian Angels).

House: That is just great!
Bosley: What is?
Taub: Which one of us is?
House: Both of you, together. Fighting, passionate to prove the other one wrong. You couldn't care less about the patient, but it all works out the same.
Cutthroat Bitch: (Hopefully). I hate Thirteen.
House: Not as productively.
(Guardian Angels).

House: What's your agenda here? You obviously don't care about the hundred.
Cameron: He's a decent, smart--
House: You don't care about the team.
Cameron: Does it annoy Wilson when you ask questions and ignore the answers?
House: Very much.
(Cameron explains her reasoning behind the bet; Guardian Angels).

Taub: Why me?
House: Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; it'd be insensitive.
(Guardian Angels).

Cuddy: You know, there are other ways to manage pain.
House: Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?
(Detox).

House: (Slams his cane on the shelf). OF COURSE I'VE CHANGED!
Wilson: (Pause). And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills?
House: They let me do my job... And they take away my pain.
(Wilson and House discuss the latter's addiction to Vicodin; Detox).

Patient: I can't get my contact lenses out--
House: Out of what? They're not in your eyes.
Patient: But they're red.
House: That's because you're trying to remove your corneas.
(Sports Medicine).

House: What, you're saying I've only got one friend?
Wilson: Uh, and who...?
House: Kevin, in Bookkeeping.
Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl.
House: I call him Kevin. It's his secret 'friendship club' name.
(Sports Medicine).

Cuddy: Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing...
House: Baffling, though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia... noo-mania...?
(Cursed).

Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
House: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.
(Cursed).

Cuddy: Just enlarged hilar lymph nodes.
House: Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler.
(House states his standards for accepting patients; Cursed).

Cameron: All this hate. It’s toxic.
Chase: Then stay away.
(Cameron tries to get Chase to forgive his father; Cursed).

House: A billionaire wants to get laid.
Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
House: And the reason you want respect...?
Wilson: To... get laid.
(Control).

She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.
(House explains how he got the case; Control).

Wilson: Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?
House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.
(Control).

Cameron: That's not necessarily bad news.
Foreman: Do you ever watch 'Gilligan's Island' reruns and really, really think they're going to get off the island this time?
(Cameron's too optimistic for her own good; Control).

Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn’t thinking straight.
(House, about Sweden; Mirror, Mirror).

House: (To Dr. Kutner). You've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.
Kutner: Thank you.
Taub: It wasn't a compliment.
House: Yes, it was. Now comes the insult: YOU'RE INSANE!
(Mirror, Mirror).

Oh, just in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?
(House to Cuddy, as she undermines his authority by hiring Foreman back; Mirror, Mirror).

House: I decided you were right. You're obviously in an impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you.
Foreman: Thanks.
House: ...so I'm gonna humiliate Cuddy-- until she fires you.
(Mirror, Mirror).

Cuddy: (To the fellowship applicants). It's still Dr. House's department. He decides who stays, who goes...
House: Foreman goes!
(Mirror, Mirror).

I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?
(House to Cuddy, when she switched his pills for laxatives to get back at him; Mirror, Mirror).

I'm not going to back down. You're not going to back down. Cuddy's not going to back down. No one's going to be happy here. And Cuddy's going end up pregnant.
(House to Foreman; Mirror, Mirror).

House: (About the patient, hoping he mirrored Thirteen). And how is he?
Thirteen: His fever's at 106...
House: I know. But how is he? Bitter? Sexually frustrated?
Thirteen: He's delightful. Loves the smell of freshly baked rhubarb pie and isn't afraid to love. Also, his rash is coming back.
(Thirteen won't reveal her secrets; Mirror, Mirror).

You all suck. The two of you, (points to Cole and Thirteen) took 14 hours to find a car. You, (Kutner) forgot to mention that the guy with no memory, had memories. You (Brennan) keep on thinking, that insane guys have hidden wisdom. You're going to wind up shooting people on the subway. (Looks at Taub and Cutthroat Bitch. Pauses, thinking) ...Something.
(House scolds his fellowship applicants; Mirror, Mirror).

House: You ever see an infected pierced scrotum?
Cuddy: Um, no, but I know a few people on whom I'd like to see it happen.
(Heavy).

Patient: It's like my heart is on fire, like it's, uh, oh, I don't know, like it's...
House: Burning?
Patient: Exactly!
House: Hmm, sounds almost like heartburn.
Patient: So, can you give me something?
House: Like a thesaurus?
(House & a clinic patient; Heavy).

Patient: This, is what a woman is supposed to look like. We're not just skin and bones-- we have flesh. We have curves.
House: You have little people inside you.
(House is convinced his patient is pregnant, she doesn't agree; Heavy).

House: I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it would be more cost-efficient to let me keep all of them.
Wilson: Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers.
House: It will be more cost-efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase, well... I can grab his ass, too.
(House tries to find a way to not have to fire one of his fellows; Heavy).

Everybody lies... except politicians? House, I believe you're a romantic. You didn't just believe him - you believed in him. You want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry?
(Wilson, after House uncharacteristically states that his patient, a Senator, had no reason to lie; Role Model).

Are you... comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so you know, I've never made a tree.
(House; Role Model).

House: Give him a whole body scan.
Cameron: You hate whole body scans.
House: 'Cause they're useless. Could probably scan every one of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you're 4th-down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle. Unless you're the Jets.
(House leaves).
Cameron: (Pause). I hate sports metaphors.
(House and his team discuss their options; Role Model).

Foreman: (About House and their patient) He's annoyed by her, doesn't respect her as a doctor, constantly insults her.
Wilson: That's House's version of courtship.
Foreman: Oh, God, he's been wooing me for years!
(Foreman understands now; Frozen).

House: You're wearing that shirt for someone.
Wilson: The health department. They frown on topless oncology.
(House suspects Wilson is dating someone; Frozen).

Wilson: Is that my wallet?
House: Yeah, you can have it back. I've already been through it.
(Frozen).

Wilson: Why am I here?
House: Because I want to ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is, or you'd have told me her name.
Wilson: She doesn't have a name. It's some sort of birth defect.
House: There's only about 12 people we both know. I can't remember five of their names, so we're down to Cuddy, your ex-wives...
Wilson: Your mama.
(Frozen).

House: You're standing up to me?
Kutner: Maybe.
House: Just to clarify. You should do that when you're right. Sorry for the confusion.
(House and Kutner; Frozen).

Damn, I thought I lost you when I walked backwards through my own footprints in the snow.
(Wilson, as House follows him to his date; Frozen).

House: Lies are a tool, to be used either for good... no, wait, I got a better one. Lies are like children. Hard work but they're worth it. Because the future depends on them.
Wilson: You are so full of love... or something.
(It's A Wonderful Lie).

House: It's just a climbing knot.
Taub: But what does she use it for? Try bondage.
House: I did once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine.
(House sorts through the patient's e-mail and finds no porn, so he bombs Cuddy when she's not even there; It's A Wonderful Lie).

House: Where are we going?
Wilson: Nowhere. I just know it hurts you.
(It's A Wonderful Lie).

House: Take off that hat.
Wilson: It's Christmas! ...It's a reindeer.
House: It's a moose. On a Jew.
(House comments on Wilson's holiday style; It's A Wonderful Lie).

Wait a second, this isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she’s conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves… Oh my God. You’re sleeping with me.
(House describes what attracts Wilson to Cutthroat Bitch and comes to a startling conclusion; Don't Ever Change).

Cuddy: (About Cutthroat Bitch) Are you sure she doesn't wanna just take you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and deposit her eggs in you?
Wilson: Excellent disguise, House.
(Cuddy tries to talk Wilson out of dating Amber; Don't Ever Change).

Any minute now she's going to hit him in the face with your testicles.
(House to Wilson, as Cutthroat Bitch, who is Wilson's date, goes to talk to the Maitre D' to get them a table; Don't Ever Change).

House: She's a needy version of me.
Wilson: Hard to imagine such a mythical creature.
(House and Wilson discuss Cutthroat Bitch; Don't Ever Change).

Chase: Don't see any signs of vasculitis. Odd... since you're always right about everything.
Foreman: It could be a different autoimmunity. Or you could bite me.
(Babies & Bathwater).

Cuddy: Dr. House! We need you here.
House: Sorry, lotta sick people. I might catch something.
(Kids).

House: The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.
Wilson: They were Prada, which means she has good taste.
House: They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.
Wilson: Okay, well... they were nice, pointy.
(House dissects a fellowship applicant based on fashion; Kids).

Med Student 1: We're supposed to know how fast snakes make their venom?
House: Nope. Unless you've got a patient bit by one. Then it might be helpful.
(Three Stories).

I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is, maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is, doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.
(House defines propensity for error in diagnostics; Three Stories).

House: I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see visions this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.
Foreman: You choose to believe that?
House: There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.
Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
House: I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.
(House lectures on near-death experiences; Three Stories).

Cameron: (Coffee mug in hand, standing next to the whiteboard with one arm draped over it). Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? (Foreman and Chase stare at her) I'm being House. It's funny.
Foreman: (Deadpan). I know. You made milk come out of my nose.
(The Honeymoon).

So what's your plan? You take the big, dark one, I've got the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough.
(House to Stacy as he prepares to do something illegal to help the patient and his ducklings try to stop him; The Honeymoon).

Chase: We should look into the girlfriend's theory... She thinks she rode him to death.
Foreman: (Laughs). What'd you tell her?
Chase: (Amused). Well, I told her twenty-two year old men don't die of sex!
Cameron: What'd you ask her?
Chase: What do you mean?
Cameron: (Haughty). I mean I hope you got some specifics on exactly what's going on. This girl thinks it could kill you... it's worth knowing about.
(Pause. Chase stares at Cameron).
Chase: ...Have you ever taken a life?
(Occam's Razor).

House: (To Cameron). And you stay away from the patient.
Cameron: What'd I do?
House: Oh well, you'd just get all warm and cuddly around the dying girl and insinuate yourself; end up in a custody battle...
(Autopsy).

Cuddy: You're actually talking about killing her.
House: Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back.
Cuddy: Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we even talking?
(Autopsy).

Foreman: We can do that if you want to ignore what we just discussed.
House: Sounds good.
(Autopsy).

Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
House: It's off by one percentage point.
Foreman: It's within range. It's normal.
House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.
(House & Foreman discuss the patient's numbers; Autopsy).

This is exactly why you can't touch my markers.
(House when Chase confesses to having kissed their 9-year-old terminal cancer patient, at her request; Autopsy).

...It's not lupus!
(House to a clinic patient who attempted to circumcise himself; Autopsy).

House: When you are dying everybody loves you!
Wilson: You have a cane and nobody likes you!
House: I'm not terminal, just pathetic, and you wouldn't believe some of the crap people let me get away with.
(House & Wilson argue about sympathy; Autopsy).

The good news is he won't be bitching about losing his hand if he can't breathe!
(House about a patient; Humpty Dumpty).

House: Oh... my... God. Chase-- she's got pictures of you in here. Just you, it's like some kind of weird shrine!
Chase: (Wide-eyed, coming to look). You're kidding!
House: Yeah.
(House goes through Cuddy's underwear drawer; Humpty Dumpty).

Cuddy: Are you being intentionally dense?
House: (In an overly-exaggerated manner). Huh?
(Humpty Dumpty).

Stacy: (About Cuddy). She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible.
House: Technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all-powerful.
(Humpty Dumpty).

House: Cuddy... you see the world as it is, and you see the world as it could be. What you don't see is what everybody else sees: the giant, gaping chasm in between.
Cuddy: House, I'm not naive. I realize--
House: If you did, you never would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you're a good boss, and you'll never be happy.
(Humpty Dumpty).

Chase: (To House about his and Cuddy's romantic history). You're just too nasty to each other to have not been, well, nasty.
House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
(Everybody thinks House and Cuddy have had sex; Humpty Dumpty).

Cameron: (About their patient, a famous doctor). He asked me out.
Chase: I'm shocked. (Cameron glares at him). I'm shocked when patients don't ask you out.
Cameron: He also asked me to come to Africa.
Chase: Boy, he moves fast.
(Cameron confides in Chase about her love life... again; TB Or Not TB).

House: Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy, call my own press conference, and make sure the world knows that you didn't die of TB. Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they'll find another disease.
Sebastian: Why would you do that?
House: Because I'm just a mean son of a bitch.
(TB Or Not TB).

In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot! Yeah, you can quote me... C-U-D-D-Y.
(House to a Newsweek reporter; TB Or Not TB).

Nobel Invented dynamite, I won't take his blood money.
(House to Wilson, about wanting to win a Nobel Prize; TB Or Not TB).

Bizarre is good! Common has hundreds of explanations. Bizarre has hardly any.
(House's position on strange diseases or symptoms; TB Or Not TB).

Cameron: He's a great doctor, but any other hospital administrator would have fired him years ago.
Cuddy: Four of them did. The question is why did I hire him?
(Cameron and Cuddy discuss House; Humpty Dumpty).

Cameron: You both went to Michigan. Did you know him while you were there?
Cuddy: Ah, I was still an undergrad, but yeah, I knew him. He was already a legend.
Cameron: So you just knew him as a legend?
Cuddy: My God, you're subtle! Anything else on your mind?
(Cameron digs into Cuddy's past with House; Humpty Dumpty).

Cameron: His blood results shows booze, cocaine, amphetamines, opiates. The only mystery here is how he made it to be thirty-eight.
Jimmy Quidd: (Weakly pulling out a cigarette). I'm twenty-eight.
Cameron: ...And he lies. AND he's a pain in the ass. (Pulls the cig out of his mouth).
(Games).

Stacy: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?
House: He has great hair.
Stacy: What are you hiding?
House: I'm gay. Oh! That's not what you meant. It does explain a lot, though: no girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...
(The Mistake).

House: (About Stacy). She protects Chase, she protects me.
Wilson: Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up. (In a bad Australian accent). 'I'm so sorry, if only Dr House had paid attention... he'd never even met her; he never does.'
House: Chase loves me. And isn't Turkish.
(The Mistake).

Foreman: (About Chase). He doesn't give a crap about patients.
Stacy: Well, he always gets positive patient reviews.
Foreman: Yeah. He smiles all 84 of his teeth, tells them his tonsil story.
Stacy: It's a nice story.
Foreman: He still has his tonsils.
(The Mistake).

House: (To Cuddy). You know what's really killing her? Chase forgot to ask a standard question about stomach pain, so he missed the diagnosis, so she perforated, so she got sepsis, so her BP tanks, so she got blood clots, so she lost her liver. Livers are important, Cuddy. Can't live without them, hence the name. And here's the big issue: Chase is a hospital employee, and Kayla is the sympathetic mother of those two jury-friendly moppets Caleb and Cody.
Chase: Dory and Nicky.
Cuddy: Your point, beyond just trying to make Chase wet himself, seems to be that the hospital faces liability here. Well, thanks for clearing that up. I still need a medical reason to list her.
House: That is a medical reason! The family wins this hospital in a lawsuit, they'll turn it into condos. And people will die waiting outside a condo for medical care.
(House explains to Cuddy why she needs to put Chase's patient on a transplant list; The Mistake).

I'm not the one being sued. I feel funny.
(House; The Mistake).

House: You probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
Patient: For how long?
House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend... forever.
(House, to a patient who used strawberry jelly as a spermicide and got an infection; Deception).

Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?
House: Nonexistent. Otherwise, excellent.
(Deception).

Foreman: Do you think there's any way House would take me seriously as his boss?
Wilson: Where is this coming from? Did Cuddy say something?
Foreman: We talked. She intimated.
Wilson: And you want my advice on how to usurp him? It's very ancient Rome: you'll need a toga, and of course, a sword.
(Foreman goes to Wilson for advice after Cuddy suggests that his role as House's boss could be permanent; Deception).

You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine, but, no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long time, but you wake up one day, and you think... 'God, I really miss curry.'
(Stacy describes to House their relationship through an analogy; Failure To Communicate).

I teach you to lie and cheat and steal... and as soon as my back is turned, you wait in line?
(House to his ducklings about following procedure; Failure To Communicate).

Cuddy: Tell me, if it is your aim to sell me the same crazy idea as that House does, how are you an improvement on House?
Foreman: I... brought you a coffee?
(Failure To Communicate).

You do realize that the point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen, than what will really happen? God, I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better.
(House to Wilson; All In).

(Cameron, Chase, and Foreman enter the diagnostics lounge).
Cameron: (About the patient). We've got rectal bleeding.
House: What, all of you?
(Sleeping Dogs Lie).

Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.
(House wants to rectal-probe the patient without knocking her out; Sleeping Dogs Lie).

Cameron: Depriving her of what little sleep she has, that's torture.
House: So is cutting people with knives. You can totally get away with that if you have a doctor's coat on.
(House about keeping their insomniac patient awake; Sleeping Dogs Lie).

If you want to stop car accidents, take out air bags and put in three inch machete. Everyone will drive three miles an hour.
(House; No More Mr. Nice Guy).

Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
Foreman: Don't know.
Cameron: Don't have to know.
Chase: Don't... care?
(Living The Dream).

Cuddy: I want you to cure him without committing any more felonies.
House: I can't do my job when you're gonna tie my hands like that!
(Living The Dream).

House: He did, however, get hit with a bullet. Just mentioning.
Cameron: He was shot?
House: No, somebody threw it at him.
(House tells the team about their patient; Euphoria, part 1).

Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
House: Well if I'd shot a live person there's a lot more paperwork.
(Euphoria, part 1).

Foreman: According to Babyshoes, the cop was laughing before he got shot.
Cameron: Babyshoes?
Foreman: The guy who shot him.
Cameron: Reliable witness.
House: His name's Babyshoes, how bad can he be?
(Euphoria, part 1).

Saying there appears to be clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam up ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is it a thrombotic bus or an embolic bus? ...I think I pushed that metaphor too far.
(House explains to the ducklings what is happening in their patient's brain; Euphoria, part 1).

Foreman: The Ommaya reservoir is inserted in the parietal lobe. My spacial recognition is the issue, not my memory.
House: Oops! Did you say Ommaya? I could swear you said biopsy. Hey! I'm just messing with your head. Mother's maiden name, please.
Foreman: Get out of my temporal lobe, House.
(House asks Foreman questions about his life while performing a brain autopsy on him; Euphoria, part 1).

Cameron: You're staying the night, we have to monitor your brain for swelling.
House: How much bigger could it get?
(After House is in a bus accident, he has a head would that Cameron stitches; House's Head).

House: (Looks at Thirteen, after forgetting Taub's name). Lesbian. Find out if anybody on that bus was taken to other hospitals.
Thirteen: He just forgot mine.
House: No, Thirteen... I just wanted to call you a lesbian.
Thirteen: I'm not a lesbian.
House: I was rounding up... from 50%.
(The team is worried about House's head wound, he doesn't care; House's Head).

House: Hypnosis gave me a nose-picker, smells set off hallucinations, sensory deprivation should get the brain into an alpha-theta phase. Did you see Altered States?
Thirteen: I don't think I was even born when that movie was out.
House: Well then you're too young to be a doctor. That movie was released in 1980.
Thirteen: That was twenty-eight years ago.
House: No, it wasn't, shut up.
Thirteen: Did you just... forget what year it is?
House: ...No, I just remembered how old I am.
(House's Head).

House: Give me some physostigmine, it crosses the blood-brain barrier.
Thirteen: (Sarcastically cheery). ...And act like a nerve gas, stop your heart, and you'll go to heaven and be omniscient! Good idea, not gonna happen.
(House's Head).

Foreman: You're addicted to conflict.
House: (Looks at his Vicodin bottle). Did they change the name?
(Forever).

House: You don't have cancer.
Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism.
House: You have no proof of that.
(House comes clean to Cuddy after going to extreme measures because he thought Cuddy thought she had cancer; Forever).

Wilson: How did you walk with the cane and two coffees?
House: Why are you suspicious?
Wilson: Because it's either that, or accept the fact that you've done something nice, and then I have to deal with the horsemen, and the rain of fire, and the end of days.
(Wilson and House; Resignation).