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CSI: Miami.

There are 69 quotes listed in the CSI: Miami category:

Alright, be on the lookout for an Eastern European male with bad teeth who may have access to an ape.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio).

Alexx: No hair at the underarm, but pronounced hair on the knuckles.
Horatio: So, what are you saying?
Alexx: What I'm saying is I'm not an anthropologist. It could be a large woman or a small man.
--CSI: Miami (Alexx & Horatio).

Suspect: I swear. I didn't touch her.
Calleigh: You don't have to touch somebody to shoot 'em.
--CSI: Miami (Calleigh questions a suspect).

Man: What killed that guy?
Speedle: He had gas.
--CSI: Miami (Speed explains how someone died from carbon monoxide poisoning).

Why's it always gotta be in the toilet?
--CSI: Miami (Speed whines about looking for evidence in unpleasant places).

Tomorrow's what you make of it.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio).

In the future, if you're gonna watch somebody's back, let me know about it so I can watch yours.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio to Eric about helping Frank; Bait).

Horatio: You're saying she married for love?
Calleigh: I know. Wonders never cease.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio & Calleigh).

Come on, don't you guys have some gizmo to track this thing? That blue light with the buzzers and bells or that mass-spectro-detecto-whatever-you-call-it thingy?
--CSI: Miami (Frank Tripp to Horatio).

Calleigh: Yeah, but you know, I was thinking. If he hadn't stolen from the mob, then he never would have become a beach bum in Florida and then he never would have got picked up by the hurricane. Then if he hadn't got picked up by the hurricane he would have never hit Burton's car, and if it wasn't for hitting Burton's car, Burton would have gotten away with murder.
Eric: (Smiling) Leave it to you, Calleigh, to find something good to come out of a hurricane.
Calleigh: (Smiling) They do alleviate global warming.
Speedle: (to Eric) She's way too cheerful.
--CSI: Miami (Calleigh, Eric & Speed talk about being positive).

Calleigh: That smells good.
Eric: What, cafe Cubano? Put some hair on your chest.
Calleigh: Don't you just say the sweetest things.
--CSI: Miami (Eric & Calleigh; Losing Face).

I love my job.
--CSI: Miami (Calleigh walks into a gun vault, smiles and sighs).

Eric: What's your plan B?
Calleigh: Gun Vault.
(enters gun vault, smiles, and sighs)
Calleigh: Be still my heart.
--CSI: Miami (Calleigh loves her job).

I feel like a hummingbird on six cups of coffee.
--CSI: Miami (Calleigh; Dispo Day).

Alexx... He doesn't have a head. Where'd the head go?
--CSI: Miami (Ryan observes a post exam; Speed Kills).

Speedle: The only way to outrun a gator is to swim faster than the guy next to you. Isn't that right, Delko?
Eric: (to Catherine and Warrick) I used to have a partner.
--CSI: Miami (Eric & Speed teach the guys from Vegas about true danger; Cross Jurisdictions).

Is this hot enough for you or do you want to see my weapons permit?
--CSI: Miami (Calleigh; Spring Break).

Why anyone needs to prove that evil exists is beyond me.
--CSI: Miami (Speed; A Horrible Mind).

Dale. Dale? Are you a sexual predator?
--CSI: Miami (Horatio does not beat around the bush).

If you ever touch her again, I'm going to kill you.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio to Stetler about Yelina; Crime Wave).

Speedle: Sir, can you read the yellow tape there? It says 'crime scene.'
Ted: Hey, I got a permit to be here.
Speedle: Ohhhhh, you've got a permit!
Ted: Yeah, that's right. From Parks and Rec.
Speedle: (getting out cellphone) Well, I'm going to let you tell that to the parents of the girl who got murdered here last night.
Ted: Woah, wait a minute--
Speedle: I'm going to let you tell them that we can't process this crime scene because you have a permit for a party.
Ted: You misunderstood me.
Speedle: Then I'm going to arrest your cheap, tequila-pushing ass, and have you spend the night in lockup, with all the drunk-and-disorderlies, and you can smell the vomit of the fraternity boys.
Ted: You know what man, maybe I should just ah, wait, until you're finished.
Speedle: That's a capital idea, Ted.
--CSI: Miami (Speed at his finest; Spring Break).

Horatio: Depends whether you like seeing men dress up in your underwear or not.
Calleigh: Personally leather chaps nothing else... That was a joke.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio & Calleigh discuss fetishes).

Mr. Reynolds: I bet they call you a secretary with a gun when you're not around.
Calleigh: Actually, I type as well as I shoot.
--CSI: Miami (Calleigh's multitalented; The Score).

Horatio: Alexx, you think they were killed in the crash?
Alexx: Not unless they each crashed into a bullet.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio & Alexx examine the dead).

Horatio: So what do you get when a six-foot-tall man lays down with a three-foot-long rifle?
Calleigh: Hot flashes... but that's just me.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio & Calleigh talk some more about fetishes; Kill Zone).

Speedle: You need some help?
Alexx: Nah. I could undress a dead man in my sleep.
Speedle: Leaving that one alone.
--CSI: Miami (Speed knows when the joke went too far; Not Landing).

Speedle: Hey Megan, did you miss me?
Eric: She actually forgot your name.
--CSI: Miami (Speed & Delko; Breathless).

Horatio: Killer just made his second mistake.
Yelina: What was his first?
Horatio (in an incredulous tone): His first mistake was murder.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio & Yelina process a scene; Big Brother).

Valera: ...And at the end of the day he splits nearly 6 million with his partner.
Teen: It isn't 6 million.
Horatio: This is where you say, 'I don't know any Doctor Walton.'
--CSI: Miami (Horatio & Valera draw the truth out of a suspect).

Ryan: So you're not mad? 'Cause I heard we had a really big fight today.
Calleigh (with a brilliant smile): Don't believe everything you hear.
--CSI: Miami (Ryan & Calleigh make up after an argument; Deviant).

Horatio: Looks like you didn't need me after all.
Yelina: That's not true... and that will never be true.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio & Yelina).

Suspect: So, I'm human.
Horatio: Yes, too bad there's not a swab to prove that.
--CSI: Miami (Classic Horatio one-liner).

The next time you want to take a swing at someone, start with me.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio defends a victim from her attacker; Big Brother).

Are you okay, Walter? That looked like it hurt.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio, after PUNCHING Walter Resden in the face; Under Suspicion).

Calleigh: Take your clothes off.
Johnny: What?! Why?
Ryan: Because we said so.
Johnny: (Points to Calleigh) Not in front of her, man. That's embarassing.
Ryan: Hey, Delko had to pee in a cup because of you. So strip.
--CSI: Miami (Calleigh & Ryan process a subject; Shattered).

Horatio (pointing gun): Don't do it! Don't do it!
(The guy takes out a gun anyway. Horatio fires and takes him down, then walks toward the body).
Horatio: They never listen.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio feels ignored).

Old guy: Betty and I had a very healthy sexual relationship. She was not afraid to try new things.
Calleigh: ...Back to the question, Mr. Reins.
--CSI: Miami (Calleigh is squicked by a witness; Bunk).

Ryan: Knife missing from this block could be our murder weapon.
Alexx: (sarcastically) Nice work, Ryan. Think you may have cracked the case.
Ryan: Thanks. I have a keen grasp of the obvious.
--CSI: Miami (Alexx is grudgingly starting to accept the newbie; Hell Night).

Venus: You're hot.
Ryan: Open your mouth.
Venus: Guys usually say please.
Ryan: What's the name of the buckeye state?
Venus: What's a buckeye?
Ryan: Say Ohio.
Venus: Ohi... that's hot.
--CSI: Miami (Ryan tries to get DNA from an airhead; Legal).

Ryan: Oh, you've got an alibi.
Calleigh: He's got an alibi.
Ryan: We love alibis.
--CSI: Miami (Ryan & Calleigh question a suspect).

Calleigh: Broken fruit bowl. Looks like there was a fight.
Ryan: Or it could be sex. Haven't you ever pushed aside the dinner plates to get some?
Calleigh: Could you focus on the task at hand, please?
--CSI: Miami (Ryan's random questions during a scene processing).

Are you stuck on stupid?
--CSI: Miami (Frank Tripp).

Megan: Nice thing about hair, it grows at an even rate, about a half an inch a month.
Speedle: Gives us a nice time line.
Megan: Yeah, she'd been using antidepressants for the past year, Prozac and Zoloft. Six months ago she smoked some pot.
Speedle: And they say blondes have more fun.
--CSI: Miami (Megan shows Speed some advanced forensic techniques; Golden Parachute).

Hamilton: You said our entire genetic make-up is in one cell... how do we escape that?
Horatio: Your family? You stop procreating.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio rids the earth of future scum; Just One Kiss).

Calleigh: There's a morals clause in there that says if you stay clean and sober until you're 21, you get this. (She shows the rich, spoiled suspect a picture of a small island). Breakwater key.
Ryan: That's a whole island, isn't it? Wow. My parents are leaving me their lawnmower.
--CSI: Miami (Ryan's particular way of questioning a suspect; Legal).

Ryan: I took this criminalist seminar-- Evaluating Evidence-- The visiting lecturer said that the CSI's job is to think outside the box. Sometimes the best tool is the stud attached to your earring, she said... Those are nice earrings, by the way.
Calleigh: You took my class (she smiles).
--CSI: Miami (Ryan tries to charm his way out of a reprimand; Legal).

Lab tech: ...But the drops you saw on her dress: cranberry juice, vodka and some trace of citrus.
Calleigh: If i'm not mistaken, that's a Cosmopolitan.
Ryan: Total chick drink.
(Calleigh mock glares at him).
Calleigh: There was only one chick on our stall door list.
Ryan (Goes glassy eyed, imitating the airhead): That's hot.
--CSI: Miami (Our favorite CSIs connect evidence to a suspect; Legal).

Yelina: This is my case. I don't need you to tell me how to run it.
Rebecca: Yours for now, but it's gonna be mine later. Seems like there's a lot of that going around these days.
--CSI: Miami (Yelina & Rebecca CATFIGHT!; Cop Killer).

Calleigh: So how does a junior homecoming queen end up robbing mini-marts with a guy like Jojo?
Ryan: Well, some women are just attracted to bad boys.
Calleigh (smiling): Oh, really? Do tell.
Ryan: Oh, come on, like you've never been tempted... They're dangerous and unpredictable...
--CSI: Miami (Calleigh & Ryan discuss women psychology; Cop Killer).

Delko: Have you seen Peter Elliott?
Wolfe: Is that the federal guy with the salt-and-pepper hair? Yeah, he poked his head in, wanted to get to the documents lab.
Delko: And you sent him to the print lab instead, right?
Wolfe: Yeah, of course. (Pause). He's only here for Calleigh anyway.
Delko: Yeah, he's had a thing for Calleigh since the first money case they worked together.
--CSI: Miami (Eric & Ryan play the overprotective brothers' role on Peter Elliott; Urban Hellraisers).

Michael: (Touches his arm, that was shot when he attempted to break into CSI and steal evidence) It hurts!
Horatio: Real bullets are funny like that, Michael.
--CSI: Miami (What happens when games are brought to reality; Urban Hellraisers).

Gabe: With good behavior I'll be out in ten years. 30 is the new 20, chief.
Horatio: Inventive.
--CSI: Miami (The guy's not repentant at all; Urban Hellraisers).

Horatio: We're looking for your friend with the demon mask.
Gabe: If I dime him out that's minus, what, five hundred points?
Horatio: If you don't it's 25 to life.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio lays out how it is; Urban Hellraisers).

'Do anything special?' Calleigh was on hold, trying to reach a scuba shop in Coconut Grove.
'Not really, no,' he murmured.
'Ah. I went out, caught a movie- that new Will Smith one?'
'Had to leave halfway throught, though. My head caught on fire.'
'That's nice...'
'But the men in the UFO put it out. With their ice-cream ray.'
'What flavor?' he asked absently.
'Good, good,' he muttered. 'Pistachio has excellent fire-retardant qualities.'

--Donn Cortez (Calleigh and Ryan talk about their weekend; Riptide).

Some of the criminals on the list looked exactly how you would expect a rapist or pedophile to look; others looked just as harmless as a kindergarten teacher. You just couldn't tell.
Monsters, Wolfe thought. If they just had horns growing out of their foreheads or something, our job would be a lot easier.
--Donn Cortez (Ryan hopes the world can be a little more clear; Riptide).

...No, no, no! I don't care who owned it, I got so many of those flintlocks I could storm the Bastille!
--Donn Cortez (Max deals guns his own way; Riptide).

'I don't know. It seems to me that being murdered is worse than being raped, but the last time I expressed that opinion a woman almost punched my lights out.'
Delko put down his coffee cup and tossed back one of the Cuban shots. 'Big surprise. Do you
ever date?'
'Actually, this was
on a date.'
--Donn Cortez (Eric learns of Ryan's lack of tact; Riptide).

Calleigh Duquesne didn't know what to do.
She could tell you the make and model of every gun that had ever passed through her hands. She could list every major manufacturer of firearms in the world and most of the minor ones. She could make a bullet do everything but sit up and talk.
But photocopiers were her nemesis.
Calleigh got along just fine with all sorts of technology; she could send a fax or upload a file as easily as she could fieldstrip and reassemble an AR-15 rifle, which is to say without much thought at all.
But photocopiers
hated her.
'One. Copy,' she hissed at the stubborn thing. 'That's all I need, and then I'll leave you alone. Mess with me, and I swear I'll introduce you to the business end of a SIG-Sauer P-220.'
'Ahem,' Horatio said.
She spun around. 'Ah, hi there, Horatio,' she said. 'Been there long?'
'Well, I wasn't here for the start of the conflict, but I did arrive in time for the death threats...'

--Donn Cortez (Calleigh confronts her nemesis and is caught by her boss; Riptide).

Wolfe shrugged. 'Just taking Horatio's advice. Dealing with the public is part of the job, right?'
'Absolutely. A suggestion, though?'
'What's that?'
'Try not to mention the aliens and their ice-cream ray. I find it makes people look at you funny...'

--Donn Cortez (Calleigh sets Ryan straight before sending him out into the world; Riptide).

'Just a second,' Delfino said, opening a drawer and rummaging around. 'Ah, here we go.' He pulled out a plastic action figure of the Sea Creature, around eight inches tall and made of translucent green plastic. He handed it to Wolfe. 'Here, take this with you.'
'I can't really accept a gift,' Wolfe said.
'Don't think of it as a gift,' Delfino said with a grin. 'More like a visual reference of your suspect.'
Wolfe went downstairs, got into his car and hung the figure from his rear-view mirror. 'Okay, Junior,' he said to its goggle-eyed countenance. 'Let's go find your big brother...'

--Donn Cortez (Ryan knows who, or make that what, he's looking for; Riptide).

'The monster climbed to his feet, adjusting to his new environment... then lurched off on unfamiliar legs in search of his new obsession.
'Forget it, buddy,' Wolfe muttered. 'She's swimming in a different gene pool, just for starters...'

--Donn Cortez (Ryan tries to reason with a movie monster; Riptide).

When he realized who the first people to encounter the monster would be, Wolfe almost groaned out loud. Why do they even call it Lovers' Lane? he thought. It's always the first place the killer heads for- they should just rename it Homicide Alley.
--Donn Cortez (Ryan debates movie cliches with himself; Riptide).

'Where are we at, people?'
'Checking military records against licensed scuba divers,' Wolfe said.
'Isn't that more up Eric's alley?' Horatio asked mildly.
'He's busy,' Wolfe said with a grin. 'Thought I'd take up the slack.'
Calleigh sighed. 'I- not possessing the requisite amount of testosterone- am sadly reduced to just doing my job.'

--Donn Cortez (How the workload is divided in the Miami-Dade team; Riptide).

Wolfe nodded. 'Makes sense. It should be a lot easier to get a warrant for someplace perverts hang out than the Sierra Club.'
Calleigh glanced at him and frowned. 'Let's stick to calling it a theme night, okay?'
'Huh? What, did I say something politically incorrect?'
'Well, what am I supposed to call them? Rubbersexuals? Full-body condom enthusiasts?'
'Look, they're just people, all right? A preference for latex is no more relevant than how often 'Wayne' pops up as a killer's middle name.'
'All right, all right, I'm sorry. Sometimes I open my mouth without thinking.'
'That's all right. Just keep it in mind.'
'I will, I- wait a minute.'
'It's interesting, though, isn't it? The Wayne thing?'
'That's the website for Szexx. The club you asked me about.'
'John Wayne Gacy, Elmer Wayne Henley- there's this guy on the Internet who's compiled a whole list-'
'The club you said you were going to check out.'
'Supposedly it's becasue they all had overly macho fathers who named them after John Wayne and then mistreated them as children, but that's only a theory-'
'Hmm. 'Bounce and squeeze, a fetish night for latex, uniform and leather enthusiasts.' Interesting.'
Calleigh turned slowly and looked up at Wolfe. Her smile froze his on his face.
'Ryan,' she said. 'Do you know how many firearms I own?'
'Uh- no.'
'Would you like to hazard a guess?'
'Uh... a lot?'
'That is correct. Would you like to know how many of them it would take to make your life very, very difficult?'
He swallowed. 'How many?'
'Not a single one,' she said. She turned back around.
'Right,' he said.

--Donn Cortez (Don't mess with Calleigh Duquesne, Wolfe; Riptide).

The bartender, a young woman with multiple piercings in both eyebrows, leaned forward and peered at the name stitched on Calleigh's coat. 'So, R. Wolfe- you want another drink?'
'No, thanks,' Calleigh said. 'I'm fine.'

--Donn Cortez (Calleigh goes undercover into the latex-loving scene; Riptide).

Jose: You're already a dead man.
(Horatio shoots him).
Horatio: Join the club.
--CSI: Miami (Horatio avenges Marisol).

Eric: (To Speed, holding a dead rat) Hey! Check this out. How did that get from your apartment to there is what I want to know...
Speedle: Yeah, that's funny.
--CSI: Miami (The boys and their antics; Blood Brothers).

Calleigh: Well when we get close to tool marks and ink processing I'll call you.
Peter Elliott: If you don't, you'll be hearing from my boss down at the Homeland Security Office.
Calleigh (Dryly): Well. I've got goosebumps.
--CSI: Miami (Calleigh's not afraid of Big Brother; Money for Nothing).

Speedle: What d'you got?
Eric: A car explosion, burn victim, checking for cognac used as an accelerant. Beat that?
Speedle: Yeah. I got a priest shot with a rifle, dead, in a church.
Eric: Not bad.
Speedle: Not bad?
Eric: Not bad.
Speedle: It's at least a draw, you're not gonna beat me with a burned out car.
Megan: Boys and their measuring sticks.
--CSI: Miami (A little competition never hurt; Ashes to Ashes).