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Joan of Arcadia.

There are 142 quotes listed in the Joan of Arcadia category:


Helen: Why have my kids stopped listening to me?
Luke: We've never listened to you, Mom.
Helen: Thank You! Mystery solved.
--Joan of Arcadia (Helen & Luke; Pilot).

Kevin: Ever had a strange feeling that you are being discussed?
Luke: I never get that.
Kevin: Because you're too boring.
--Joan of Arcadia (Kevin & Luke; Pilot).

Luke: So, what you do, is that you shoot these photons with a piece of paper...
Joan: There's a pervert in the yard!
Luke: ...And a pervert appears in the yard.
--Joan of Arcadia (Luke & Joan; Pilot).

Hey God! Get lost, I mean it.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan; Pilot).

Joan: How did you know about that?
God: Omniscient! Look it up.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & CuteGuy!God; Pilot).

Are you-- Are you being snippy with me? God is snippy!
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan about God; Pilot).

Good, 'cause I'm really not snippy. I've got a great personality. You'd like me.
--Joan of Arcadia (CuteGuy!God; Pilot).

Joan: Ok, well let's see a miracle.
God: Ok, How 'bout that?
Joan: That's a tree.
God: Let's see you make one.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & CuteGuy!God; Pilot).

Is it kinda weird that I have a crush on you?
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan about CuteGuy!God; Pilot).

God: I'm gonna be dropping in on you Joan. Now and then.
Joan: Why?
God: Let's just say I need you to do some favors.
Joan: Why?
God: Do you notice how I'm not answering any of the whys?
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & CuteGuy!God; Pilot).

So, God could like vibrate himself into the form of a really cute guy around my age?
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan to Luke; Pilot).

Kevin: Mom wants me to talk to you.
Joan: To make sure I'm not crazy?
Kevin: Yep, so, are you crazy.
Joan: No.
Kevin: Ok, I'm glad we had this talk.
--Joan of Arcadia (Kevin & Joan; Pilot).

Joan: How are you supposed to know? Is there a sign, or a checklist, or a website?
Kevin: I guess it's just the usual stuff. Do you believe in U.F.O's? Do you hear voices? Are you Michael Jackson?
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Kevin; Pilot).

If voices have people attached are they still considered voices?
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan; Pilot).

Sammy: You don't happen to have any references on you?
Joan: No, but I was sent by God. (Pause). She said, revealing her acerbic wit.
--Joan of Arcadia (Sammy & Joan; Pilot).

Anchorman: Please don't freak out. It's me, the King of Kings, the all-mighty.
Joan: God is doing the news?
--Joan of Arcadia (Anchorman!God & Joan; The fire and the wood).

Joan: Look, that was my Dad who turned you off last night, so if there's some kind of penalty, then I...
God: Fine. He shall spend all of eternity burning in hell.
Joan: No, No no no, My Dad's a really great man.
God: I'm kidding.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & MainteinanceGuy!God; The fire and the wood).

God: I give suggestions, not assignments.
Joan: I feel a suggestion coming on.
--Joan of Arcadia (MainteinanceGuy!God & Joan; The fire and the wood).

Chief Wyatt: Call me Tom, or Tommy.
Will: Will. Not Willy. Ever.
--Joan of Arcadia (Chief Wyatt & Will; The fire and the wood).

Helen: What is the reason for your tardiness?
Grace: The reason for my tardiness is I am late.
--Joan of Arcadia (Helen & Grace; The fire and the wood).

Mr. Price: If I even suspect that you are under the influence of drugs what will happen?
Adam: You'll urine test me.
Mr. Price: For your own good.
Adam: And call the cops.
Mr. Price: Uh Huh.
Adam: Ruin my life.
Mr. Price: All for your own good.
--Joan of Arcadia (Mr. Price & Adam; The fire and the wood).

Joan: I need a reason?
Mr. Price: Premise, argument, conclusion. The correctness of reasoning. The validity of inference.
Joan: I don't know what you're saying.
Mr. Price: Yes, you need a reason.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Mr. Price; The fire and the wood).

Joan: Do you believe in God?
Mr. Price: That would only be pertinent if God told you to take Advanced Placement.
Joan: He might have, he isn't always clear.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Mr. Price; The fire and the wood).

It's like watching three monkeys build a particle accelerator using tinfoil and a BiBi Gun.
--Joan of Arcadia (Luke about Joan, Adam & Grace; The fire and the wood).

Joan: God!
WireMainteinance!God: Yes?
Joan: No, I- I was taking your name in vain. To be technical. Sorry.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & WireMainteinance!God; The fire and the wood).

Cha, look around you. I talk to angels. (Joan's eyes get all big). Relax, Jane, it's a metaphor.
--Joan of Arcadia (Adam; The fire and the wood).

Kevin: I was on fire.
Will: I'll get you some water.
Kevin: Dad, I'm not really on fire.
--Joan of Arcadia (Kevin & Will; Touch Move).

Joan: There's nothing to eat.
Helen: Keep looking. There might be something hidden behind all that food.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Helen; Touch Move).

MailWoman!God: You don't have to accept the package you know.
Joan: Oh yeah. And I could also take the little blue pill.
--Joan of Arcadia (MailWoman!God & Joan; Touch Move).

In me you trust. Not entirely true.
--Joan of Arcadia (MailWoman!God about money/bills; Touch Move).

Kevin: I mean, it was kinda stupid and you got in trouble, but it was brave and I get your point.
Joan: I have a point?
--Joan of Arcadia (Kevin & Joan; Pilot).

Joan: So, my true nature is to be a catalyst? That's mad anticlimatic.
WireMantainanceGuy!God: Anticli-mac-tic. Anticlimatic means you're against the weather.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & MainteinanceGuy!God; The fire and the wood).

Joan: What is it?
Adam: Ah... I don't know. Oh, thanks. Thanks for bringing me all these... things. I really needed them to finish this... thing.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Adam about Adam's sculpture and wires; The fire and the wood).

CuteGuy!God: Walk with me.
Joan: No, people are gonna see me.
CuteGuy!God: Yes, they will. That optic nerve was an inspired idea, wasn't it?
--Joan of Arcadia (CuteGuy!God & Joan; Touch Move).

Tell your brother to stop with the aftershave. First, he has nothing to shave. Second, it smells like pickled eggs. And third, he sits behind me and I'm allergic. I have like one working sinus left.
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace to Joan; Touch Move).

You smell that? It's like essence of pimp.
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace about Luke's aftershave; Touch Move).

CuteGuy!God: Yeah, I've noticed that this look turns a lot of heads.
Joan: It's called being hot.
--Joan of Arcadia (CuteGuy!God & Joan; Touch Move).

Joan: I'm more into athlete type. You know, that's my thing. Football players, wrestlers. Abs. Big forearms.
Grace: Small cerebral cortex.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Grace; Touch Move).

Don't scare the cripple, my fight or flight impulse is very confused.
--Joan of Arcadia (Kevin; Touch Move).

My dad's Italian. To him a sandwich is like an opera.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan; Touch Move).

CuteGuy!God: Oh, Joan. Would have been so much easier if you just read the book. Now I'm gonna have to send you to the basement.
Joan (completely scared): You mean like, Hell?
CuteGuy!God: No, I mean, like, the basement. There's one in the school. Check it out.
--Joan of Arcadia (CuteGuy!God & Joan; Touch Move).

Grace: Do you think it's funny to call me 'dude'?
Joan: Adam calls everyone 'dude'.
Grace: Well, stop. It's totally pre-millenial.
Adam: Uh, wait. What's the new 'dude'?
Grace: Try saying 'yo' at the end of a sentence.
Adam
(after Joan finds a wallet full of money on the floor): We're stinkin' rich, yo!
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace, Joan & Adam; The Boat).

Adam: Jane?
Joan: Go away, Adam!
Adam: How'd you know it was me, yo?
Joan: You're the only one who calls me Jane.
--Joan of Arcadia (Adam & Joan; The Boat).

Joan: So... did you just pop up to stop me from telling Adam about you?
OldLady!God: I don't pop. I abide. I am eternal. There's no popping.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & OldLady!God; The Boat).

Your large print section is pitiful.
--Joan of Arcadia (OldLady!God; The Boat).

See how I'm ignoring you? Take a hint!
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan to God; The Boat).

Adam: I can play any instrument.
Joan: You can?
Adam: No, no. Not anymore. Mr. Price sits me down at a piano and says: 'Ok, Mozart, play.' So, I do, and I really lean into it, you know? I'm holding down that loud pedal, and I'm hitting the low notes with my elbow-- bong, bong, bong! Grand finale... I lift the piano lid thing, and I strum the strings with my shoe. When I was finished, Mr. Price says: 'You got to be kidding.' Since then, I- I can't play a thing. I can't even whistle.
Joan: I'm no expert, but, uh, if you are playing with your elbows...
--Joan of Arcadia (Adam & Joan; The Boat).

Adam: But it is a boat, right? It's not, like, a chifforobe?
Joan: What's a chifforobe?
Adam: I don't know, but it's not a boat, yo.
--Joan of Arcadia (Adam & Joan; The Boat).

Joan: Great. So, ask Isaac Newton to the Prom.
Luke: Sure, if he was a girl... and alive.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Luke; Just say no).

Hello? Hey, Adam. I can't talk right now. I'm mocking people in magazines. Give me 20 minutes mocking time. I should be done by then. Ok. Bye.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan on the phone; Just say no).

He doesn't have any music. He samples nature sounds. Crickets having sex, something that he and only other crickets get off on.
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace about Adam; Just say no).

Uh, Clay Fisher just flirted with you. Adam Rove is all about you. Dramatic tension ensued. Were you born without a radar?
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace to Joan; Just say no).

Luke: There's this moose. And the moose is telling this other moose that the other moose is really an elk and as such should be running with another herd.
Kevin: Uh huh?
Luke: Ok? But the moose is basing his whole assessment on what appears to be questionable evidence.
Kevin: Like his horns are kinda small?
Luke: Actually, it's more of a behavioral observation. Like, say the moose in question was seen sniffing a flower, which according to the first moose is elk-like. But the second moose isn't so sure. I mean, he doesn't feel like an Elk, he doesn't have elk thoughts. Does it make him an elk just because he likes this one flower?
Kevin: Did you want to try a science metaphor?
Luke: Does it mean I'm gay if I like a lesbian?
--Joan of Arcadia (Luke & Kevin; Bringeth it on).

Kevin: Who's pregnant?
Helen: No one's pregnant. Right?
Joan: Mom!
Kevin: Is Joan having sex?
Will: Could we get off this line of questioning, please?
Joan: This is why I don't tell you anything!
Luke: Does anybody ever wonder if I'm having sex?
--Joan of Arcadia (The Girardis; Bringeth it on).

Friedman (to Luke): Dude, your sister's, like, HOT.
Grace: Dude, you're, like, an ass.
--Joan of Arcadia (Friedman & Grace; Bringeth it on).

HomelessMan!God: Be not afraid, Joan. Sorry. It's me.
Joan: 'Be not afraid'?! What's with that?
HomelessMan!God: Sometimes I like to sound old-timey.
--Joan of Arcadia (HomelessMan!God & Joan; Bringeth it on).

Girl: I mean, can you believe somebody could just throw away their baby like that?
Adam: My uncle flushed Siamese twin kittens down the toilet once.
--Joan of Arcadia (Random Girl & Adam; Bringeth it on).

Joan: But thanks for the...
Adam: It's a cheerleader. You know, it's got the little hairy things.
Joan: Pompoms?
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Adam; Bringeth it on).

Adam: I just like hanging out with you 'cause you're Jane.
Joan: Joan.
Adam: Uh, what?
Joan: Never mind. Jane is good. We'll stick with Jane.
--Joan of Arcadia (Adam & Joan; Bringeth it on).

Well I can't do any stunts (no no)
And how about the jumps? (so-so)
So why am here? Well, it's really odd.
But I'm here to cheer on a mission from God
So put me in the game or leave me on the bench
so you get into heaven and I'll get out of French

--Joan of Arcadia (Joan's cheer; Bringeth it on).

Go Eagles, Go Eagles, Go-Go-Go Eagles
We live to cheer, we're so sincere
Unless you get in trouble, then we're out of here.
It's such a royal pain when a friend gets arrested
How could I have known? How could I have guessed it?
It's not like she's my sister, whoops, is that my beeper?
And even if she was, am I my sister's keeper?
Sorry, gotta go, tryouts are today.
Tell her we'll think of her everytime we say:
Go Eagles, Go Eagles, Go-Go-Go Eagles.
My name is Joan, this cheer's my own
So kiss these feathers, 'cause this bird has flown.

--Joan of Arcadia (Joan's cheer; Bringeth it on).

Ahem. Pardon me, but the point of this afternoon is to pretend that you might one day make a valuable contribution to society. Perhaps you could play along. For example, ms. Polk, you might want to look into journalism, which is a profession where they actually pay people to be cynical and disaffected.
--Joan of Arcadia (Mr. Price to Joan, Adam & Grace; Death be not whatever).

Adam: Then maybe he knows someone who's dead.
Joan: You can't know dead people.
Adam: Forget I attempted to contribute.
--Joan of Arcadia (Adam & Joan; Death be not whatever).

CuteGuy!God: Remember me?
Joan: Why all the familiar looks? Doing the greatest hits? Starting to get a little pleased with yourself?
--Joan of Arcadia (CuteGuy!God & Joan; Death be not whatever).

Price: And what career would you like to explore, Mr. Rove?
Adam: I want to do something soulless and corporate, Mr. Price.
Price: Good choice.
--Joan of Arcadia (Adam & Mr. Price; Death be not whatever).

Price: I am suspending you for 3 days for vandalism and brandishing a weapon on school property.
Joan: Excuse me, it was a chair.
--Joan of Arcadia (Mr. Price & Joan; The devil made me do it).

Adam: Hey, how do I look?
Joan: Like always.
Adam: This is a new hoodie.
--Joan of Arcadia (Adam & Joan; The devil made me do it).

Volunteer!God: And I'd rather Adam's sculpture not be part of the show.
Joan: Why? Sorry. Reflex action, like barfing.
--Joan of Arcadia (Volunteer!God & Joan; The devil made me do it).

Joan: Adam, forget about the soda pop necklace, ok? Art show, art show, art show.
Adam: Art show, art... so, wait...
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Adam; The devil made me do it).

Helen: What do you need dad for?
Joan: What's with this new thing? I ask you a question and you ask me 20 questions about it.
Luke: I think of it as socratic parenting.
--Joan of Arcadia (Helen, Joan & Luke; The devil made me do it).

Helen: Is that why you volunteered? To show support for your friend? Why didn't you just say so? Was it because you didn't want me prying into your relationship with Adam? Because I know the importance of boundaries.
Joan: Mom, do you really need me for this conversation?
--Joan of Arcadia (Helen & Joan; The devil made me do it).

Joan: Um, Rabbi, can I ask you a religious question?
Rabbi Polansky: Well, a small one, maybe, all right? 'Cause I'm enjoying my dessert.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Rabbi Polanski; The devil made me do it).

Joan: Wait, I need you to help me steal this!
Grace: I'm mad at you! I'm yelling at you! I wouldn't help you do anything! Don't you pick up any signals at all?
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Grace; The devil made me do it).

Father Ken: God doesn't ask his children to do evil.
Joan: What about the whole inquisition/torture business?
Father Ken: Well, you really are a lot like your mother.
--Joan of Arcadia (Father Ken & Joan; The devil made me do it).

Joan: Yeah, like when you first hear Dave Matthews and you think he's good, but... he's not.
Father Ken: I don't know who that is.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Father Ken; The devil made me do it).

You know, I don't understand what you're saying. It's all just blah, blah, blah.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan to God; The devil made me do it).

Luke: Dad, can I have 50 bucks?
Will: Oh, I almost made it to my coffee.
Helen: What's the money for, Luke?
Luke: 32 cornell-dubilier inverter-grade capacitors.
Will: I just happen to have a few of those in my pocket.
--Joan of Arcadia (Luke, Will & Helen; St. Joan).

Joan: She wasn't crazy, right? I mean, she wasn't a paranoid schizophrenic with a miscellaneous complex?
Grace: Are you trying to say messianic complex?
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Grace about Joan of Arc; St. Joan).

Hey, yo! Did your photographic memory run out of film?
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace to Adam; St. Joan).

Joan: Adam! Does this mean you're talking to me again?
Adam: Explain the situation, Grace.
Grace: I told him I'd feed him his hat if he didn't help.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan, Adam & Grace; St. Joan).

Grace: You're nothing but a cream puff, powder puff, nothing puff.
Joan: Oh, you're using some puff related analogy that I don't even get.
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace & Joan; St. Joan).

Uncle Luke?
--Joan of Arcadia (Luke; Drive, he said).

Friedman: Why are you talking so fast?
Luke: Why are you listening so fast?
--Joan of Arcadia (Friedman & Luke; Drive, he said).

If you give me your digits, I will reduce it to an imaginary number.
--Joan of Arcadia (Friedman trying to hit on Joan; Drive, he said).

First of all, Eminem's birthday does not count as a religious holiday. And second, his birthday was October 17, so you have to come to school.
--Joan of Arcadia (Helen; Drive, he said).

Luke: My sister had sex with Adam Rove.
Friedman: What?
Luke: What?
Friedman: Your sister did the 'big bang' with Rove.
Luke: Shut up! How do you know?
--Joan of Arcadia (Luke & Friedman; Drive, he said).

Joan: Does my hair look funny?
Grace: Your hair always looks funny. Ha ha-ah! Sometimes, it just pops into my head and I just laugh. Ha ha ha.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Grace; Drive, he said).

Luke: Okay, I'm an expert on probability, and given factors such as Mom's and Dad's ages, birth control, and the average frequency of sex after twenty-three...
Joan: Ewwww!
--Joan of Arcadia (Luke & Joan on their parents having another kid; Drive, he said).

Friedman: You are so fixating on that Marge.
Luke: I'm not fixating on her. I'm fixating on Adam Rove.
Friedman: Natural next step, my gay friend.
--Joan of Arcadia (Friedman & Luke; Drive, he said).

Plus do you even speak be-bop, be-bop spaceman language?
--Joan of Arcadia (Friedman, to Luke about Adam; Drive, he said).

Friedman: Trig is, uh... triple-x extreme math.
Joan: I guess that makes you Tony Hawk then.
--Joan of Arcadia (Friedman & Joan; Drive, he said).

Don't stop! Go around him! He's got a chainsaw!
--Joan of Arcadia (Luke; Drive, he said).

So, uh, I'm thinking no second date with this guy?
--Joan of Arcadia (Kevin to Joan about Ramsey; The uncertainty principle).

Joan: Wow. Science really is like sex to you, isn't it?
Luke: Well that's... I don't know how to respond to that.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Luke; The uncertainty principle).

Grace: Whatever. Long as I don't have to wear a dress.
Luke: Yeah, me too... No, not that I would ever wear a dress. But...
Grace: It's OK, man.
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace & Luke; The uncertainty principle).

Helen: Is it strange that you're always awake before I am?
Luke: I like to ambush my brain before fear and reason kick in.
Helen: You're too young to worry about fear and reason. That doesn't start till you're 30.
--Joan of Arcadia (Helen & Luke; The uncertainty principle).

Friedman: Be straight with me, Girardi. You guys exchanging fluids?
Luke: Why am I friends with you?
--Joan of Arcadia (Friedman & Luke about Grace; The uncertainty principle).

Did he just convert her from mac to pc?
--Joan of Arcadia (Friedman about Grace & Luke; The uncertainty principle).

Joan: No, dad, I haven't had the koala bear dream since I was 5. Evil koala bears in hats. Eech.
Will: Come on. I'll tuck you in. So...what did you dream about?
Joan: Boys in mirrors.
Will: Maybe this is one of those dreams you shouldn't tell your father.
Joan: Like Orlando Bloom in a speedo?
Will: Now I'm gonna have a nightmare.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Will; Jump).

Luke: Look, I've-- I've really enjoyed our collaboration. I--I feel our intellects and approaches really complement each other, and I was... you know, hoping you felt the same way.
Grace: Stop, stop. You're embarrassing me with your dirty talk.
--Joan of Arcadia (Luke & Grace; Jump).

Anyone else? No? Thank God.
--Joan of Arcadia (The Reverend; Jump).

Joan: Oh, come on! God, try me! Give me a hint!
ScaryGuy!God: I leave hints all over the place. I'm all about hints.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & ScaryGuy!God; Jump).

Joan: Ha ha. You sound like God.
Will: FBI. Same thing.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Will; Jump).

Ms. Hodgins: There's stuff we don't recognize on the hard drive. We need to make sure there's not encrypted evidence.
Luke: Any naked ladies are because of my friend Friedman.
Joan: Narc.
--Joan of Arcadia (Officer, Luke & Joan; Jump).

Kevin: When do you actually absorb information? Because it always seems like you're spouting it out.
Grace: His ears and eyes work on a separate circuit from his mouth.
--Joan of Arcadia (Kevin & Grace about Luke; Jump).

Luke: Could you possibly, by any stretch of the imagination, be referencing the rail gun?
Kevin: Luke, quit talking like the queen of England.
--Joan of Arcadia (Luke & Kevin; Jump).

Joan: I had this dream--
Grace: Koala bears in hats?

--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Grace; Jump).

Helen: Whatcha doing?
Will: I'm making a list of demands.
Helen: Ooh. Who are we taking hostage?
--Joan of Arcadia (Helen & Will; Jump).

Kevin: It's complicated.
Bear: No, it's not. You're an idiot.
--Joan of Arcadia (Kevin & the Bear; Jump).

Hey, am not afraid to have sex. Hey, I got moves you never even heard of, ok? There's a list of women a mile long who have no complaints about Kevin Girardi between the sheets. (realizing Will, Helen, Joan and Luke are standing at the door). I'm on painkillers.
--Joan of Arcadia (Kevin to the Bear; Jump).

Kevin: Either get over your fear of women, or resign yourself to lookin' at boobs on the internet for the rest of your life.
Luke: Point of order: That's Friedman, not me. And... not everything is about sex.
Kevin: Well, not everything is about science.
Luke: This is a new arena for me.
Kevin: I hear you, brother.
--Joan of Arcadia (Kevin & Luke; Jump).

Yeah. Thanks for leaving a message with my father, the Rabbi... saying you want to spend the night with me building a gun?
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace to Luke; Jump).

Good morning, Adam. Eat some breakfast. Make my wife happy.
--Joan of Arcadia (Will to Adam; Jump).

Once I dreamed that I could breathe under water. Guess what. I can't breathe under water.
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace about Joan's dream; Jump).

I don't care what you say, I'm not eating bran. It makes me gassy.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan; Jump).

Will: Do I really need to hear about his colon crisis?
Helen: Will!
Will: He's talking about his ass in public!
--Joan of Arcadia (Will & Helen; Recreation).

CuteGuy!God: Adam is confused.
Joan: Adam is always confused.
CuteGuy!God: Okay, well, you're introducing new levels of confusion.
--Joan of Arcadia (CuteGuy!God & Joan about Adam; Recreation).

Adam: What about us?
Joan: What about us?
Adam: What about us?
Joan: What about us?
Adam: What about us?
Joan: Is it just me or is this going nowhere?
--Joan of Arcadia (Adam & Joan; Recreation).

Joan: God smokes?
LiquorStoreClerk!God: I don't inhale.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & LiquorStoreClerk!God; Recreation).

Will, I've been married. They understand until they don't.
--Joan of Arcadia (Roebuck to Will about wives; Recreation).

Joan: You realize no one's listening to you.
Luke: No one ever listens to me, and yet I talk.
Joan: Whatever, Shakespeare.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Luke; Recreation).

Joan: Kevin, look at us. Rocket boy and the sub-defective. Like we even have anyone to invite.
Kevin: That's true. I'm reassured.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Kevin about a party; Recreation).

Helen: ...And I think this goes without saying-- no parties.
Kevin: I've already covered this. They are very unpopular.
Helen: Oh, good.
--Joan of Arcadia (Helen & Kevin; Recreation).

Grace: Fascinating. It's like A... druid solstice ritual without the viscera.
Luke: Stick around. The night is young.
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace & Luke about the party; Recreation).

Adam: I have metal studs on my boxers. It's from my eighth grade Iron Maiden period. I haven't done a wash in a few days, so--
Grace: Details are not necessary, Rove.
--Joan of Arcadia (Adam & Grace; State of Grace).

What? I didn't set off any alarm. So unless you want to sentence me to death for possession of gummy bears, I would like to go to class.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan to the Metal Detector Guys; State of Grace).

I'm already a sub-defective. You--you want me to devolve into a toad?
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan to God about joining the Debate Club; State of Grace).

Without art to break up your day, you're gonna get all morose... and morose belongs to me.
--Joan of Arcadia (Grace to Adam; State of Grace).

Option! That's good, mom. You need them. Options. I--I have a friend that's into... options. Forget it.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan to Helen; State of Grace).

Excite those molecules, people. Start that fiery tango of particles body-slamming into each other.
--Joan of Arcadia (Mrs. Lischak; State of Grace).

Friedman: Some people find the pain very erotic. Was it?
Joan: You are foul.
Friedman: Eroticism isn't a negative, Joan. It's a part of life.
Grace: Not yours.
--Joan of Arcadia (Friedman, Joan & Grace; State of Grace).

Mr. Enfield: The beauty of debate. I would imagine that eloquent oxymoron is one of the reasons your joining us?
Joan: I'm dying to be a elegant moron.
--Joan of Arcadia (Mr. Enfield & Joan; State of Grace).

Did you see the look Glynis gave you in Chem today? That's a look you usually have to download.
--Joan of Arcadia (Friedman to Luke; State of Grace).

Kevin: So, I heard you arrested the guy who tried to kill the pastor.
Helen: Attempted murder. That's one way to change the subject.
--Joan of Arcadia (Kevin & Helen; State of Grace).

Can you believe what we have to learn to go to college to get away from our parents?
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan about a 'complex' chemical equation; State of Grace).

Helen: This house would fall apart.
Will: We'd all pitch in.
Helen: You think it's so easy? Our genius son can't even find the salt.
--Joan of Arcadia (Helen & Will about Helen taking a teaching job; State of Grace).

Joan: Yeah. Listen, if Winston Churchill, Marilyn Monroe, James Earl Jones, Carly Simon... if they can all cure stuttering, so can you.
Scott: Who's C-c-carly simon?
Joan: I don't know, but James Earl Jones is Darth Vader. That is so freaky.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan & Scott; State of Grace).

What are you saying, mom? You can't teach at my school. It's like incest or something.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan to Helen; State of Grace).

Helen: Ok. Um, he's not ideal, though, 'cause he does go on. I mean, I had to sit and listen to him denigrate abstract expressionism. He feels dekooning and pollock are overrated. They're only responsible for one of the major artistic revolutions of the twentieth century.
Mr. Price: Do I seem engaged in this discussion, Helen?
Helen: No. As usual, no.
--Joan of Arcadia (Helen & Mr. Price; State of Grace).

Is that like guy menopause?
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan about her dad's moods; Night without stars).

Ew! Come on! Come on, I'm trying to eat here, ok? I thought we established the kitchen as a no P.D.A. Zone.
--Joan of Arcadia (Joan about her parents kissing; Night without stars).

Will: Maybe our genius is morphing into a teenager.
Helen: Not another one.
Will: I wanted to stop at 2.
--Joan of Arcadia (Will & Helen about Luke; Night without stars).